Let’s do it again…

We had our second IUI procedure today. I was again surprised with how calm I was last night and today prior to the appointment. I usually dread any kind of doctor appointment so you would think that I would be all kinds of nervous prior to a procedure such as IUI. But just like the first time, I wasn’t nervous at all. In fact, I think I was even more at ease with the whole thing this time around. Thankfully, the doctor who did the procedure is one who I have complete trust in (He did our initial appointment, testing, counseling, etc). I felt very comfortable and confident with him performing the IUI.

This time around, I felt super bloated and experienced some cramping immediately after the procedure. I made sure to take the whole day off from work and went straight to bed to lie down for a few hours.

Speaking of work. WOW, I don’t think I could care any LESS about work at this moment. I’ve become so hyperfocused on TTC that I’ve mentally and emotionally put work on the backburner. Add to the fact that I am not happy with the direction work has been taking me in the last few months and I just don’t care much about it anymore. This realization, that TTC and become a mother has become my main focus, would have taken 25-year-old me by complete surprise. I mean really. The old me busted her ass for years in order to earn two advanced degrees and be able to do what I used to love. I guess dissatisfaction at work coupled with the overwhelming feeling that I have to now fight in order to achieve what my heart desires (to become a mother) has caused a complete shift in my priorities.

Nonetheless, I’ll continue to go to work. I mean how else could I could I possibly afford IF treatment anyways. If nothing else, work will at least serve as a distraction during this dreadful 2ww.

New Year...new shot at it

Happy 2011!!!

Today I went in for my second ultrasound and things are looking good. I have three maturing follicles!!! So the hubz will give me my HCG shot tomorrow night and we will be going in for our second IUI on Wednesday.

I’m feeling better about this cycle. Last cycle I had to go in for four ultrasounds as my follicles very slowly matured. This time it only took too ultrasounds!! And I have THREE follicles this time!!! The doctor said that as a result there is a risk of multiples. Uh, doc! I would LOVE multiples, thanks! Lol…honestly though, I would just love a healthy pregnancy and a happy and healthy baby at the end of all this.

So I’m keeping my fingers, legs, toes, and eyes crossed. But more importantly, I’m placing my faith in God that everything will fall into place in due time.

What doesn't kill you....

Well, I received the saddest voicemail message yesterday..."Unfortunately, your pregnancy test came back negative. Call us back on the second day of your cycle to schedule an ultrasound."  I was by myself in my car when I heard that voicemail message and alone as I cried the entire drive home to my husband's arms. I honestly don't know what I would do without his calm and reassuring support. He is my rock in these times of anger, hopelessness, guilt, and sadness. After crying it out in his arms, I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and decided to start again on the provera today. I am not willing to give in to the hopelessness that tries to creep into my heart, instead I want to try another cycle asap.

I know what I want. I want to be a mother to my child. This may sound a little crazy, but I feel like I already know this unborn child of mine. I know him. I can almost see him. I just can't find my way to him. There is something standing in my way and I want to knock that obstacle down with all my strength. If that means putting my body through more IUI and then IVF or even considering adoption later on, I will do it. I'm not giving up. Not this time. Not ever. I have hope and I have faith and I will find my child one day.

Ouch....

Had bloodwork done this morning and it looks like my progesterone level is normal. That means its time to take my second HCG shot. I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Those things really hurt.

Oh, well. No pain, no gain.

Here goes nothing...

We had our first IUI procedure today!!! I was surprisingly calm all morning up until I got to the examination room and my husband and I had to wait for what seemed like FOREVEEEEEEEER for the doctor.  And that’s when it hit me. But I put on my brave face as the doctor and I double and triple checked our sperm. I mean the last thing we want is someone else’s sperm swimming up my tubes.

The actual procedure only took maybe 2 minutes. It wasn’t THAT bad; probably just slightly more uncomfortable than a pap-smear. But my husband was right by my side rubbing my hand nonetheless. He stayed by my side as I lay down for 10 minutes after the procedure. I haven’t really “felt” anything since then.

Keeping our fingers crossed…

First cycle...

So it has started. By “it” I mean our first cycle of Provera-Clomid-HCG-IUI. Clomid wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be. I’d heard so many negative things from friends and read horrible stories online about the side effects of Clomid, i.e. irritability, hot flashes, weight gain, etc. But luckily, I haven’t experienced any of those. Maybe it’s because I’m only on 50mg. Okay, maybe, just maybe I’ve been a little moodier than normal lately, but I’m not sure if that is directly due to the Clomid or rather the stress I’ve been experiencing over this whole process.

Let me elaborate. I went in for my first ultrasound after Clomid last Friday to see how big my follicles were. I was super excited and feeling very optimistic. The nurse had mentioned that they want to see a follicle that is at least 18mm. Well, mine fell short of that, way short. So they asked me to go back in on Friday for another ultrasound. Again, no dice. In fact, my follicles barely grew, maybe just 1-2 mm’s each. So the doctor asked me to go in again this Thursday for a third ultrasound. If they aren’t the size they are supposed to be, they will increase my Clomid dosage.

BLAH!!! I wasn’t expecting to be stuck at this phase of the cycle. I’m trying very hard not to let this little snag in the plan get to me, but I’ll admit there are moments when I’m scared….that maybe this won’t work. But, I have to stay positive. I mean this just the first cycle, right?  

The results, please?

Yesterday I was back at my doctor’s office to talk about the results from all our lab work. Can you say “nervous?” I totally did not know what to expect as I sat in the waiting room for the doctor to call my name. To make matters more nerve-racking, the doctor asked me if it was okay for his intern to sit in on our consultation. Being the very thoughtful person that I am, I said, “Suuuuuuuuuuuure.”  When will I ever learn???

So the good news: almost everything, including my thyroid and my glucose level, looks good. The bad news: my testosterone level is almost 5x what it should be. Say what?! I LOL-ed in front of the doctor AND his intern. What do you mean my testosterone level is ridiculously elevated? Last time I checked, I had a vajajay.  

Oh well, not a big surprise I guess.  So how do we fix this problem, doc? He recommended Clomid, HCG, and IUI. And then he looked at me. I almost wanted to cry.

Oh what an amazing mixture of emotions. Yes, I finally got a definitive answer to my question: “How can I get pregnant?” But I also felt sorry for myself for being in this position. Why does it have to be me? Why can’t I get pregnant normally like most other women I know? And yet another part of me was excitedly scared, with that feeling you get as you are climbing up a big roller coaster. And what a roller coaster this is turning out to be.

Sigh.