What doesn't kill you....

Well, I received the saddest voicemail message yesterday..."Unfortunately, your pregnancy test came back negative. Call us back on the second day of your cycle to schedule an ultrasound."  I was by myself in my car when I heard that voicemail message and alone as I cried the entire drive home to my husband's arms. I honestly don't know what I would do without his calm and reassuring support. He is my rock in these times of anger, hopelessness, guilt, and sadness. After crying it out in his arms, I managed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and decided to start again on the provera today. I am not willing to give in to the hopelessness that tries to creep into my heart, instead I want to try another cycle asap.

I know what I want. I want to be a mother to my child. This may sound a little crazy, but I feel like I already know this unborn child of mine. I know him. I can almost see him. I just can't find my way to him. There is something standing in my way and I want to knock that obstacle down with all my strength. If that means putting my body through more IUI and then IVF or even considering adoption later on, I will do it. I'm not giving up. Not this time. Not ever. I have hope and I have faith and I will find my child one day.

Ouch....

Had bloodwork done this morning and it looks like my progesterone level is normal. That means its time to take my second HCG shot. I'm not exactly looking forward to it. Those things really hurt.

Oh, well. No pain, no gain.

Here goes nothing...

We had our first IUI procedure today!!! I was surprisingly calm all morning up until I got to the examination room and my husband and I had to wait for what seemed like FOREVEEEEEEEER for the doctor.  And that’s when it hit me. But I put on my brave face as the doctor and I double and triple checked our sperm. I mean the last thing we want is someone else’s sperm swimming up my tubes.

The actual procedure only took maybe 2 minutes. It wasn’t THAT bad; probably just slightly more uncomfortable than a pap-smear. But my husband was right by my side rubbing my hand nonetheless. He stayed by my side as I lay down for 10 minutes after the procedure. I haven’t really “felt” anything since then.

Keeping our fingers crossed…